Fed is best: ARFID support for neurodivergent families

The relief was immediate. Like a massive weight had just dropped from our shoulders. Three words: Fed is best.

Not 'balanced meals must include vegetables.' Not 'children should eat what's served.' Just: fed is best. And suddenly, mealtimes transformed.

In Episode 13 of the Neurodivergent Pulse podcast, host Laetitia Andrac sits down with Margo White, a Certified Practising Nutritionist and founder of Whole Body Nutrition, to explore what happens when we stop trying to fix feeding differences and start honouring what feels safe. As a proud AuDHDer and mother of two, Margo brings both clinical expertise and lived experience to this conversation about ARFID, cultural food preferences, and why 'fed is best' might be the most liberating feeding philosophy you'll encounter.

When food finally made sense: Margo's journey

Margo's relationship with food has never been straightforward. As a teenager, she developed an eating disorder, but the pieces didn't click into place until her AuDHD identification a few years ago.

"It wasn't really until I was identified as AuDHD a few years ago that everything really made sense to me and clicked into place," Margo shares. "And when I went through that process, I truly began to heal my relationship with food and my body, which was very empowering and honestly quite a life-changing experience."

That moment of clarity didn't just bring personal healing. It redirected Margo's entire professional path. She founded Whole Body Nutrition, initially intending to support neurodivergent people with complex relationships with food. But as Margo began sharing her lived experience on social media, something unexpected happened.

"I just started sharing my own lived experience on social media and lots of people started connecting with it and like it was incredibly healing for me sharing that stuff. But then to hear from other people that it was healing for them, that was really incredible for me."

This dual perspective adds depth and authenticity, reflecting what Understanding Zoe's research on neurodivergent families found: over three in five parents raising neurodivergent children also identify as neurodivergent themselves. Their perspectives bring lived understanding to caregiving, navigating systems built for neither parent nor child.

Margo noticed a significant gap: a lack of neuroaffirming support for people with ARFID and feeding differences. So she learned everything she could through courses, from people with lived experience, and by examining their own journey in greater detail. Now, Margo supports other neurodivergent people and families who have walked similar paths, helping them find safety, confidence, and ways to nourish their bodies that honour who they are.

ARFID vs picky eating: Why the distinction matters

Let's clear something up. ARFID and 'picky eating' are not the same thing. And the language we use matters more than you might think.

"I don't like those terms because I feel like they really invalidate a person's experience," Margo explains. "And you know, people that have sensory aversions to foods, like they're simply trying to meet those sensory needs."

Instead of 'picky' or 'fussy' eating, Margo prefers the term sensory feeding differences. It's more affirming, more accurate, and it validates rather than shames.

So what is ARFID? "ARFID is an eating disorder and neurodivergence that really requires nuanced support and a team," Margo clarifies. Here's how ARFID differs from typical picky eating:

• ARFID is not something you grow out of. It's an eating disorder often linked to sensory processing differences, fears of choking or vomiting, or past trauma.

• ARFID can lead to malnutrition, nutritional deficiencies, or reliance on a narrow set of foods. Picky eating is less likely to impact health to this degree.

• ARFID involves significant anxiety and distress around food and eating, affecting both the child and the family. There are often social challenges too.

• Picky eating is common, usually temporary, and typically about preference, habit, or food accessibility. It doesn't usually require much intervention.

Understanding this distinction helps families access the right support and stops well-meaning people from dismissing genuine feeding challenges as 'just a phase.' For a deeper exploration of understanding the connection between body awareness and feeding challenges, our conversation with occupational therapist Kelly Mahler offers valuable insights into interoception and ARFID.

Fed is best: What it means

Now, let's talk about the philosophy that can change everything.

"Fed is best basically means eating something eating anything is better than eating nothing," Margo explains. "And when we're supporting someone with our fed or feeding differences or eating disorders you know any food that person eats will provide nutrition and nourishment for their body and will help with meeting caloric needs no matter what it is."

This isn't about lowering standards or giving up. It's about removing moral judgment from food choices. It's about creating safety. It's about allowing people to eat what feels safe for them, without the pressure of neuronormative expectations about what meals 'should' look like.

When you embrace 'fed is best,' you're not saying nutrition doesn't matter. You're saying that eating anything provides nutrition. You're saying that a child who eats is better than a child who doesn't eat because the pressure became unbearable.

For many families, this shift lifts an enormous weight. This approach is part of understanding what neurodivergent children need, rather than forcing them to meet external expectations.

Safe foods are individual and cultural

Here's a misconception that needs challenging: not everyone with ARFID only eats 'beige foods.'

Safe foods are deeply individual. Some people with ARFID love spicy food. Some love colourful food. Some love food with strong flavours. Cultural background plays a huge role in what feels safe, because the foods we grow up with, the foods associated with feeling loved and safe in childhood, often become our preferred foods as adults.

Laetitia shares a perfect example from her own experience: "For me really eating French food is something that makes me feel safe... a ratatouille for me feels very safe because my grandma was making it, my dad was making it and yes the ratatouille has a lot of colours and a lot of flavours but this is like such a safe food."

Margo agrees: "It makes sense that the foods you grow up with where you were at home, you were feeling loved, you were feeling safe, they're now the foods that you like to eat when you're now as an adult because it brings back those feelings and those memories, you know."

So if your child's safe foods don't fit the stereotype, that's completely normal. What matters is that they are safe foods, that they provide nourishment, and that your child can eat them without distress.

Letting go of the 'shoulds'

From the moment a child is born, parents face relentless pressure about feeding. Are they getting enough? Are they eating the 'right' things? Is their diet 'balanced'?

Margo invites us to question where these 'shoulds' come from. Society? Our own upbringing? And then to ask a different question: Does this create peace, safety, and regulation for my family?

"Should doesn't really exist. Like, every single child is different and so has different needs," Margo reminds us.

When families are already managing what our research shows is around 30 hours of caregiving each week (with nearly 10 of those hours spent on emotional regulation, advocacy, and administration) removing pressure from mealtimes becomes essential. It's one area where families can reclaim time, energy, and peace.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Does this create peace for us?

• Is this what's right for our family?

• Is my child fed and regulated?

• Or am I doing this because of external pressure?

When it comes to 'balanced meals,' Margo challenges the neuronormative image of meat and three veg. "A balanced meal might look like a plate of snacks or a snack plate or it might look like, I don't know, a plate of sausages for that child. You know, it could be anything. So we don't have to be so rigid around what meals look like essentially."

And if there are nutritional gaps? Supplements are a valid tool. There's no shame in using them to support your child's health while honouring what they can eat.

Accommodations matter too. If your child eats better with their hands, let them. If they need to sit on a bouncing ball during dinner, that's okay. If sitting at the table creates dysregulation, find another way. What matters is that your child is fed, safe, and regulated. Creating peace at mealtimes is part of a broader approach to reducing pressure and creating emotional safety for neurodivergent children.

One change to reduce mealtime stress

If you could make one small, doable change this week to reduce mealtime stress, what should it be?

Margo's answer is clear:

I think one of the key things is really removing any commentary around what or how much your child is eating. So, trying not to, you know, be like, 'Oh, you haven't eaten enough or you need to eat more or what you're eating, you know, isn't good or healthy, quote unquote.'

Keep food neutral. Don't label foods as 'good' or 'bad.' Remove moral value from eating. Let your child eat what they eat, without commentary.

And when you slip up (because you will, we all do), repair. "If you say something and you catch yourself saying it and you realise, oh, I shouldn't have said that. repair. Go back to the child, say, 'I shouldn't have said that.' You know, I'm sorry. That's what's important. You know, none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. It's okay."

Repair strengthens your relationship with your child. It teaches them that you're human, that mistakes are normal, and that what matters is acknowledging them and making things right.

Advocating beyond the home

Creating safety at home is one thing. But what about school? Birthday parties? Grandparents' houses?

Margo is honest: advocating for your child in external environments is hard. It requires difficult conversations. It takes spoons. But your child needs you to do it.

"As a parent like you kind of need to be your child's advocate which is really hard and you do have to have some really uncomfortable and difficult conversations," Margo acknowledges. "But you know your child is your priority and really does need you to advocate for them."

Practical advocacy strategies include:

• Having care team meetings with schools

• Writing letters explaining your child's needs

• Sharing resources and handouts with teachers and family members

• Requesting specific accommodations (like early canteen access, permission to eat with hands, or not sitting at the table)

Laetitia shares a success story: when her daughter went to camp, she advocated for her to access the canteen early with a few friends (to avoid the noise and crowds) and for permission to eat with her hands. The result? "She had the best camp experience and she came back feeling ready to go again."

Tools like Understanding Zoe can help you document your child's feeding needs and share consistent information with schools, therapists, and extended family, turning observations into actionable support plans.

And crucially, remind your child: "Your child their way of eating is okay. It's normal. It's nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed of. And that not everyone is going to get it and that's not a reflection of them, of the child. It's a reflection of that person, you know."

You can't control everything. But you can create as much consistency as possible, and you can affirm for your child that their way of eating is valid.

Your child's worth is not on their plate

If you're reading this and feeling the weight of worry, here's what Margo wants you to know:

Your child's worth, you know, it's not defined by how much they eat or what they eat or what their body size is or how they look. And neither is your success as a parent.

People will judge what they don't understand. But the most important thing is that you're listening to your child's needs and meeting them. That's what matters.

If you're worried about your child's nutrition, seek support. Often, parents discover their child is doing better than they feared. And if there are gaps, there are ways to address them without pressure or shame.

Fed is best. Balance looks different for every child. And finding what works for your family is not settling. It's wisdom.

Connect with Margo White

• Website: wholebodynutrition.com.au

• Instagram: @margo_wholebodynutrition

• Free resources: Blogs and ebooks about neuroaffirming feeding and ARFID available on the Whole Body Nutrition website