Building relationships with neurodivergent young people

This article is based on Episode 19 of the Neurodivergent Pulse podcast, featuring psychologist Isobel Ziatas from The Kidd Clinic. Listen to the full conversation here.

Picture this: You're sitting across from a young person who won't make eye contact, who's fidgeting with a small toy, and who responds to your carefully crafted questions with one-word answers or silence. Traditional therapeutic wisdom might label this as "resistance" or "lack of engagement." But what if we've been looking at connection all wrong?

Isobel Ziatas, a psychologist at The Kidd Clinic who works from a neurodiversity-affirming, relationship-based lens, is here to flip the script. In their work supporting neurodivergent young people and their families, they've discovered that authentic connection doesn't come from quick tricks or surface-level rapport. It grows from curiosity, consistency, and deep attunement to each person's unique way of being in the world.

"I find trust a really tricky word," Isobel explains. "I feel like they might be comfortable in our relationship and in the space that we've created together. However, I can't say whether they trust me or not." This nuanced perspective challenges us to think differently about what we're building with neurodivergent young people.

This dual perspective is powerful. Over three in five parents raising neurodivergent children also identify as neurodivergent themselves, either formally assessed or self-identified (our research on neurodivergent families shows). Their insights bring both caregiving experience and lived understanding to every interaction, creating a richer foundation for affirming practice.

Why traditional approaches to building rapport often fall short

If you've ever felt frustrated that the "relationship-building techniques" you learned in training don't seem to work with neurodivergent young people, you're not alone. Isobel sees this disconnect constantly.

Traditional therapeutic approaches often emphasise:

• Maintaining eye contact
• Using a warm, animated "therapy voice"
• Asking lots of questions to show interest
• Expecting verbal responses as proof of engagement
• Moving quickly to "build momentum"

But for many neurodivergent young people, these techniques can feel overwhelming, invasive, or threatening. Eye contact might be painful. A cheerful voice might feel fake. Rapid-fire questions might trigger shutdown. And the expectation of verbal responses might ignore their preferred communication style entirely.

Isobel shared a telling example: "One day a young person came in. It may have been our second or third session. And they just looked at me dead in the eye and they go, 'The voice that you do is really annoying.' I was like, 'Oh, okay. That's really good to know.' But now that I know that, I can use my normal voice again, which is so much easier for me."

This shift from prescription to curiosity is at the heart of neurodiversity-affirming practice. It means recognising that communication beyond spoken language is just as valid, that silence can be comfortable rather than awkward, and that a young person playing independently in your presence might be showing you the deepest form of trust.

Understanding safety through a neurodivergent lens

When Isobel talks about building relationships, they always start with one fundamental question: Does this young person feel safe with me?

But safety isn't something we can assume or impose. It's something we earn, and it shows up differently for different nervous systems.

What safety looks like

For some young people, feeling safe might mean:

• Predictability: Knowing exactly what will happen in each session, with minimal surprises
• Control: Being able to choose activities, topics, or even whether to engage at all
• Space: Physical and emotional distance until they're ready to come closer
• Silence: Permission to not fill every moment with words
• Sensory comfort: Access to fidgets, dim lighting, or other regulation tools

Isobel describes how they gauge progress: "You kind of see little snippets throughout and then eventually you have a young person in session with you who is content with the fact that you'll be consistent in your responses. Or content with the fact that there is a level of comfort and safety in the relationship."

This understanding of safety connects deeply with understanding nervous system capacity. When a young person's nervous system is in fight, flight, or freeze mode, no amount of "rapport-building" will create genuine connection. First, we need to help them feel regulated and safe.

Signs of safety beyond words

Isobel has learned to recognise safety in subtle, non-verbal ways:

• A young person choosing to sit closer over time
• Sharing a special interest or bringing in something meaningful
• Making a joke or showing playfulness
• Asking a personal question about you
• Showing vulnerability, even in small ways
• Returning to sessions willingly (not just being brought by parents)

Sometimes a young person who has been "quiet for 50 minutes" will suddenly "blurt everything out without me even prompting them." These shifts, however small, signal growing comfort in the relationship.

The PACE framework: Your roadmap to authentic connection

One of the most powerful tools Isobel uses is the PACE framework, developed by Dr Dan Hughes as part of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy. PACE stands for:

• Playfulness
• Acceptance
• Curiosity
• Empathy

While originally designed for therapeutic work with children who've experienced trauma, Isobel has found it beautifully applicable to neurodivergent young people, who often carry their own experiences of misunderstanding, rejection, and having to mask who they are.

Playfulness: Connection without pressure

Playfulness doesn't mean being silly or forcing fun. It means approaching interactions with lightness, flexibility, and a willingness to follow the young person's lead.

As Isobel explains, "Playful actually, you know, brings us back down to our regulatory kind of window of tolerance." Playfulness is regulating, not just for the young person but for us too.

Acceptance: You don't need to change

This is perhaps the most radical element of PACE in a world that constantly tells neurodivergent young people they need to be different.

Acceptance means:

• Not trying to "fix" stimming, special interests, or communication differences
• Validating all emotions, even the uncomfortable ones
• Believing the young person's experience, even when it differs from yours
• Celebrating their neurodivergent identity rather than treating it as a deficit

Curiosity: The antidote to assumptions

Curiosity is about approaching every interaction with genuine wonder rather than predetermined conclusions. For Isobel, "Curiosity is the biggest one."

Instead of thinking, "This child is being defiant," curiosity asks, "I wonder what's making this hard for them right now?"

Instead of, "They're not trying," curiosity wonders, "What support might they need that they're not getting?"

Isobel describes their approach: "Curiosity being I'm not going to put any type of explanation on what I see until a young person's kind of implied something or until I know enough about the young person through what I've observed and what we've chatted about to be able to make hypotheses and get them to check and confirm whether or not they're accurate."

Empathy: Feeling with, not for

Empathy in the PACE framework isn't about pity or sympathy. It's about genuinely trying to understand and validate another person's emotional experience.

For neurodivergent young people, this might mean:

• Acknowledging that sensory experiences can be genuinely painful, not just "annoying"
• Validating that social situations can be exhausting, not just "challenging"
• Understanding that meltdowns are nervous system responses, not choices
• Recognising that masking takes enormous energy and comes at a real cost

The most generous interpretation: A powerful mantra

Throughout the conversation, Isobel shared one of their most powerful tools for staying curious rather than reactive.

"My mantra is I know nothing," they explain. "So when I'm going into a conversation, it's I know nothing about them."

They also draw on a concept from Dr Becky Kennedy's work:

What is the most generous explanation for them being so annoying right now?

This simple question transforms how we respond to challenging behaviour. Instead of assuming the worst, we pause and consider what might be driving the behaviour from the young person's perspective.

"If you're leading from an authentic curiosity, you're going to be leading from a place that is compassionate too," Isobel notes. "So you're going to be leading from an unbiased perspective where you are not assuming something based on other knowledge or other experiences that you've had with this young person or with other young people."

Checking your expectations

Isobel references a powerful concept from Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman: "When we're placing a demand, there's an expectation under the demand, and under the expectation is the adult's need."

This insight helps us examine what's driving our frustration when things don't go as planned. When expectations aren't being met, the question isn't "why won't they comply?" but "what need of mine is driving this expectation?"

Isobel is quick to acknowledge the different challenges parents face: "I am very privileged in my role because I see a young person for 50 minutes every fortnight or a month or weekly depending on what their needs are at that point in time. Whereas I think a lot of parents or teachers even, you know, it's 24/7 or it's 7 to 8 hours a day at a time and you might be supporting multiple things or doing multiple things."

This acknowledgment matters. "I think there does need to be a bit of compassion to ourselves as well sometimes when we don't get it right," Isobel adds.

When things go wrong: The art of repair

Even with the best intentions and deepest understanding, ruptures happen. We misread cues. We push too hard. We make assumptions. We have our own bad days.

The question isn't whether ruptures will happen. It's how we repair them.

The power of repair

Isobel emphasises that "repair is probably the most important aspect of any relationship because it shows, you know, I can still show up even though this rough thing has happened or even though we've had a bit of a fight, I'm still here. We're still connected."

When we repair well, we teach young people that:

• Mistakes are normal and fixable
• Relationships can survive conflict
• Their feelings matter
• Adults can be trusted to take responsibility

How to repair effectively

Isobel offers practical guidance on repair:

The whole point of repair is to repair. And you can't repair if you're then putting expectations on in the repair or shaming in the repair.

Key steps include acknowledging your own experience without blame: "I was feeling this and this is how I responded and this is what I recognise now." Then, give space for the young person to share their experience too.

The method of repair matters less than its authenticity. "I think the best way to repair is whatever feels authentic to the individual because if it's inauthentic, they will be able to tell and there will likely be a need to repair the same thing again in the near future."

Isobel shares their own approach: "I write letters to clients sometimes. I write a lot of letters to my personal connections when there's a need for repair." They also suggest that "texts are a great way for any young people with phones as a check-in, as a mini repair, as however you want to frame it, because it is then giving them the space, that autonomy, to respond when they feel like it. But also it's way less demanding than that face to face conversation."

And for bringing back lightness? "Sending memes is also a great one because it brings that playfulness in as well."

Timing matters

Isobel emphasises that repair doesn't need to happen immediately: "Not doing it immediately, not doing it during the situation. Doing it nighttime is a great time. Doing it in the car is a great time as well. It doesn't have to be the same day either. And we do see that for a lot of neurodivergent folk the stress is held in the system for a lot longer."

This approach aligns beautifully with responding to big emotions with connection rather than punishment or withdrawal.

For more structured guidance, Isobel recommends the NEST approach by Spectrum Gaming, which provides a framework for supporting neurodivergent young people during meltdowns and repair afterwards.

The NEST approach: Creating safety through structure

Alongside PACE, Isobel also draws on the NEST approach, developed by Spectrum Gaming. NEST stands for:

• Nurture: Building warm, accepting relationships
• Environment: Creating calm, sensory-aligned spaces
• Structure: Providing predictability and clear expectations
• Trust: Earning safety through consistency and respect

What Isobel loves about NEST is how it recognises that relationships don't exist in a vacuum. The environment matters. The structure matters. Everything works together to create (or undermine) safety.

As Isobel explains, "It's only N that is for during the meltdown and that is nurture. Everything else is for the repair afterwards."

Honouring communication preferences

One of the most powerful shifts Isobel has made in their practice is letting go of the traditional "therapy voice" and instead matching each young person's communication style.

"Now that I know that you prefer to type rather than use speech for X, Y, and Z, we're just going to be typing," Isobel explains. This flexibility honours the young person's preferred way of communicating rather than requiring them to conform to neurotypical expectations.

Providing opportunities for feedback is essential. When that young person told Isobel their therapy voice was annoying, it opened the door to a more authentic interaction. "That's really good to know," was Isobel's response, demonstrating how feedback from young people can improve the relationship.

Sensory regulation: Fidgets as portals to connection

In Isobel's therapy room, fidgets aren't just tools for regulation. They're conversation starters, trust builders, and windows into each young person's sensory world.

Isobel shared their own sensory preferences: "I seek a lot of proprioception input. And that is actually one way that I do have a little energising moment in between. It's just to push against a wall or squeeze one of these really hard just to get my muscles moving, but also downregulate myself a bit."

This openness about their own sensory needs models that regulation tools are for everyone, not just young people.

Moving from compliance to connection: A paradigm shift

At its core, everything Isobel teaches is about shifting from compliance to connection.

Traditional approaches often focus on getting young people to:

• Make eye contact
• Sit still
• Answer questions promptly
• Follow instructions without question
• Suppress stimming or other "distracting" behaviours

But these compliance-based goals often come at the expense of genuine connection and the young person's wellbeing.

A connection-based approach asks different questions:

• Does this young person feel safe with me?
• Am I honouring their communication preferences?
• Am I supporting their regulation needs?
• Am I building trust through consistency and respect?
• Am I celebrating who they are, not who I think they should be?

The invisible load of caregiving is significant. Understanding Zoe's research found that parents spend an average of 33 hours per week on caregiving, with over 10 hours devoted to emotional regulation, advocacy, and administration alone. When professionals prioritise connection over compliance, they're not just supporting the young person. They're supporting the entire family system by reducing the constant need for parents to translate, advocate, and explain.

Practical takeaways: What you can do today

Whether you're a parent, teacher, therapist, or anyone who works with neurodivergent young people, here are some concrete ways to start building more authentic connections:

For parents

• Follow their lead: Let your child guide activities and conversations, even if it means talking about the same special interest for the hundredth time
• Create predictability: Use visual schedules, give advance notice of changes, and maintain consistent routines where possible
• Honour their communication style: If they prefer texting, text them. If they communicate through play, play with them
• Provide sensory supports: Make fidgets, weighted blankets, and other regulation tools freely available
• Repair ruptures: When you mess up (and you will), acknowledge it, apologise, and make a plan for next time

For educators

• Rethink "engagement": A student who's doodling or fidgeting might be more engaged than one sitting perfectly still
• Offer choice: Let students choose how to demonstrate learning, where to sit, or how to participate
• Reduce demands: Not every moment needs to be filled with instruction or interaction
• Use the NEST framework: Consider how nurture, environment, structure, and trust all contribute to learning
• Assume competence: Believe in your students' abilities, even when they're struggling

For therapists

• Drop the "therapy voice": Match your client's communication style and energy
• Make your space sensory-friendly: Offer fidgets, adjust lighting, and let clients choose their seating
• Use PACE: Approach every interaction with playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy
• Honour all forms of communication: Texting, drawing, playing, and silence are all valid
• Focus on connection, not compliance: Your goal is relationship, not behaviour change

The ripple effect: How connection changes everything

When we build authentic connections with neurodivergent young people, the impact extends far beyond our individual relationships.

Young people who feel seen, accepted, and valued:

• Develop stronger self-advocacy skills
• Experience less anxiety and depression
• Build healthier relationships with others
• Feel more confident in their neurodivergent identity
• Have better long-term mental health outcomes

And that knowledge, that deep sense of worthiness, is something they'll carry with them for life.

Final thoughts: Connection as an ongoing practice

Building authentic relationships with neurodivergent young people isn't a destination. It's an ongoing practice of showing up with curiosity, humility, and genuine care.

It means letting go of what connection "should" look like and getting curious about what it looks like for each unique person.

It means recognising that comfort and safety in a relationship are built through consistency, respect, and the willingness to repair when things go wrong.

And it means understanding that the most powerful thing we can offer isn't our expertise or our strategies. It's our presence and our belief in the young person's inherent worth.

In a world that often tells neurodivergent young people they need to change to be worthy of connection, this approach offers something radically different: the message that they are already enough, exactly as they are.

And that message, delivered through consistent, attuned, affirming relationships, has the power to change lives. This understanding of what neurodivergent young people need forms the foundation for all meaningful support and connection.

TL;DR: Key takeaways

• Building connection takes time. Look for subtle shifts in comfort rather than expecting trust as a checkbox
• Traditional rapport-building techniques often fall short because they prioritise compliance over connection
• The PACE framework (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy) provides a roadmap for authentic connection
• The NEST approach (Nurture, Environment, Structure, Trust) recognises that relationships don't exist in a vacuum
• Honouring communication preferences means letting go of the "therapy voice" and meeting young people where they are
• Fidgets and sensory supports aren't just regulation tools. They're portals to connection
• Repair is the most important aspect of any relationship, teaching young people that relationships can survive imperfection
• The "most generous interpretation" keeps curiosity alive and doors open for connection
• Under every demand is an expectation, and under every expectation is an adult need worth examining
• When young people experience affirming relationships, it changes their entire trajectory

Frequently asked questions

What if a young person refuses to engage at all?

First, get curious about what "refusal" might mean. Are they overwhelmed? Anxious? Protecting themselves based on past experiences? Instead of pushing for engagement, focus on creating safety. This might mean sitting in comfortable silence, offering parallel activities, or simply being a consistent, non-demanding presence. As Isobel explains, they have "a rule in my therapy room of until a young person says no to me, I don't push for any therapeutic work." Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is show up without expectations and let the young person set the pace.

How do I know if I'm building genuine connection or just being permissive?

Connection isn't about having no boundaries or expectations. It's about how we hold those boundaries. A connection-based approach still includes structure, limits, and guidance, but it delivers them with empathy, flexibility, and respect for the young person's autonomy. Ask yourself: Am I prioritising this young person's wellbeing and sense of safety? Am I being responsive to their needs? Am I maintaining boundaries in a way that preserves our relationship? If yes, you're on the right track.

What if the young person's parents or other professionals have different approaches?

This is common and can be challenging. Focus on what you can control: your own interactions and the space you create. Model affirming practices and, when appropriate, share resources or research that supports this approach. Sometimes seeing the positive impact on the young person is the most powerful advocacy. You can also work on building relationships with other team members, using curiosity and empathy (yes, PACE works with adults too) to understand their perspectives and find common ground.

How long does it take to build trust with a neurodivergent young person?

There's no universal timeline. As Isobel notes, "For some it might take three years, especially the PDAs that I support, it might take a really long time to build that connection and then for others it's a bit quicker. It just depends on the young person." The key is consistency and patience. Show up reliably, honour your commitments, respect their boundaries, and trust the process. Small signs of increasing comfort are worth celebrating.

What if I make a mistake or have a bad day?

You will make mistakes. You will have bad days. This is part of being human, and it's an opportunity for powerful learning. The key is repair: acknowledge what happened, take responsibility, validate the young person's experience, and make a plan for moving forward. As Isobel emphasises, "repair is probably the most important aspect of any relationship." When we repair well, we teach young people that relationships can survive imperfection and that they're worthy of care even when things are hard.

How can I apply these principles in a school or group setting?

While individual therapy allows for deep personalisation, many of these principles can be adapted for groups or classrooms. Focus on creating predictable structures, offering choices, providing sensory supports, and building in opportunities for different types of participation. Use visual schedules, give advance notice of changes, and create spaces where students can regulate (quiet corners, fidget baskets, movement breaks). Most importantly, approach all students with curiosity and the assumption that behaviour is communication. Even small shifts toward a more affirming approach can make a significant difference.

This article is based on Episode 19 of the Neurodivergent Pulse podcast. Listen to the full conversation with Isobel Ziatas here.

Connect with Isobel Ziatas

Isobel is a Registered Psychologist and presenter at The Kidd Clinic. They work from a neurodiversity-affirming, relationship-based lens, supporting neurodivergent young people and their families. Their work centres on nervous system safety, connection, and understanding behaviour through compassion rather than compliance.

Website: www.kiddclinic.com.au

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• PACE Framework (Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy)
• NEST Approach (Spectrum Gaming)
• Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy (Most Generous Interpretation)
• Building Relationships (Kidd Clinic blog)
• Ways We Connect (Kidd Clinic blog)
• Types of Connection (Kidd Clinic resource)