ADHD Mornings: Why they feel impossible and what helps with Johanna Badenhorst

Laetitia: Welcome to The Neurodivergent Pulse, where we explore the often misunderstood world of neurodivergence with experts, parents, teachers and therapists. Grounded in lived experience, each bite-sized episode gives you something practical to try. I am your host, Laetitia Andrac, AI expert, neurodivergent mum and founder of Understanding Zoe. This podcast is recorded on Dharawal country. I acknowledge that sovereignty was never ceded. It always was and always will be.

Laetitia: Hello Johanna. Thank you so much for joining me on The Neurodivergent Pulse podcast.

Johanna: Thank you for having me. It's an honour. I'm glad that we could make this work.

Laetitia: Yes. And we're doing it in the morning, which is aligned to our topic about ADHD mornings.

Johanna: As chaotic as ever.

Laetitia: Yeah. Sounds like your morning was full on. But before we get into our ADHD mornings topic, I would love for you to introduce yourself and share with us a bit more about how did you end up becoming an expert around ADHD?

Johanna: Yeah, of course. So I am a clinical psychologist and also a coach and mentor. Is that, sorry, just to pause quickly, is that, can you hear the little peeping in the background? I just thought I'd just double check first before proceeding.

Johanna: So I am a clinical psychologist and ADHD mentor and coach, and I have found myself getting diagnosed as well in the postpartum period after having my two children, and that shifted things considerably. It was also when I started my own business as a psychologist, opening my own therapy clinic, and I guess things just unfolded from there.

Johanna: Basically I started working perinatal mental health, supporting women, mums in particular, for most of, like, that was most of my clients. And then, because I was starting to see such a pattern of ADHDers and Autistic individuals wanting to work with me, I ended up really probably deep diving into that more and more as time went. Also started my podcast just two years ago, and I have, yeah, been of course very passionate about the topic, probably because I've made it my special interest, or maybe it always really was, in one way or another.

Johanna: So yeah, I really love supporting women and really helping them meet their own potential. I have found that there's so many barriers for women, in particular, but parents in general, to be able to really, you know, find themselves thriving in a world where, for themselves, if they are themselves neurodivergent, they have neurodivergent children, there's so many things that can prevent them from being able to truly thrive, and be in such survival mode a lot of the time. And I would really like to be part of that shift, to allow them to meet their own potential and be their best self, and yeah, find themselves in a much, you know, sweeter spot with it all. So that's really been my mission, by creating more, like, education, and yeah, be appearing in places like this to do a podcast and collaborate with other professionals who are also passionate about similar things.

Laetitia: Yes, I love it. Thank you so much, Johanna, for sharing this with us. And you know, it's really beautiful to see how you dive deeper and deeper following this beautiful thread. And as we talked today about the ADHD mornings, you were sharing a bit more before we started the podcast about your own mornings, and we hear that a lot about parents, and you know, sharing, or young adults, but really sharing about the struggle in the morning when you have ADHD, and how sometimes in the morning really feel impossible, and what are the visible or invisible challenges that you've experienced, or you've witnessed with your clients, or you've heard about as well around the ADHD mornings. And then after that we will talk about some ideas and things we can do, but let's first talk about the challenges.

Johanna: Yeah. So for ADHD in particular it would be mostly around your executive functioning struggles. I certainly have many of those. And for those who are also autistic, it probably would be more the overstimulation and that inertia element as part of our executive functioning, that shifting between tasks. But that can be equally hard for just the ADHD individual. Most of us though probably find ourselves being, we're both challenged by the overwhelm aspect of the amount of to dos and sequences in the morning, and also the overstimulation, so the sensory noise, the shifting, and that being challenging. So I'd say it's probably a combination for most, myself I would say I'm probably most impacted by the overwhelm of the number of tasks that need to get done, that never get done in a, you know, a sequence that makes much sense. It's usually done in a very muddled way. So I'll start something, then I'm like, oh, I see now the dog needs to go out, so I do that. Then I start hanging out the washing because that needs, together. And then I look over and I notice that the watering can needs to be put away. And you know, that's just how my morning normally unfolds.

Johanna: And that is usually far too early for my liking, because I've spent probably too late staying up, because I've tried to recoup some, you know, time for myself in the evening. And that reductive, you know, that procrastination in the evening is something that punishes me in the morning, when my kids walk in at 4:30 wanting to start the day, which for me is too early. I am much more of a night owl. I was lucky, I went to bed remotely earlier than usual, but then a puppy started going off, who I somewhat impulsively bought, and you know, he's beautiful, and he's in the background.

Johanna: But I hope that gives a little picture of what can unfold, and that's even just me on my own. Usually that's not even taking into consideration the chaos and mess that, you know, takes place first thing in the morning before we even can get out of the door. And the getting out of the door, I know, is something that a lot of people probably find as one of the worst parts of their day. If we can just take, like, one aspect of a day, getting out of the door with children in tow, whether you're neurodivergent or not, is probably one of the hardest things.

Johanna: And I'm making this a little bit humorous, but I know it's genuinely challenging. Like, I don't want to make fun of this as such, because it can be hugely distressing, and not actually be an enjoyable experience. So I do want to also make sure to acknowledge that, but also know that sometimes I do end up having a laugh at the just absolute chaos of it all, because if sometimes if we don't laugh, we may cry. So yeah, there's that as well.

Laetitia: Thank you for sharing that. So definitely, oh, each morning I really feel the sense of overwhelm, and also the sense of, I start this and I don't finish it. So you start a lunch box, so you wash, I don't know, the tomatoes, but then you leave the tomatoes there, and then you forget to put them in the lunch box, and then you pack the lunch box, and you have the tomatoes there, so you have to reopen everything. So I really feel this kind of sequencing and the sensory overload as well.

Laetitia: But there is also something that I really sense in my own family, and I'm curious to see if it's something that you've seen in other families as well, which is really about the transition. So this real feeling that can be distressful in some children, and in myself as well, around the transition. So transitioning out of bed into, you know, okay, we start our day, and then transitioning from being in the pyjamas to dressing up, and transitioning to brushing the teeth, and, like, so many transitions in the morning, from one state to another, and then transitioning out of the door, either walking to school, or getting in the car, or taking a bike, like, whichever mode of transport you use to go to school with your children. So, first of all, have you noticed that too, and second of all, is there anything we could support in this distressful moment of transition to help?

Johanna: Yeah, absolutely. So there's a number of parts taking place, as I mentioned, absolutely, I truly identify with that too. Some mornings are harder than others, it probably depends very much, first of all, on what kind of night we've had, or sleep we've had, how we've woken up, for ourselves and our children. That can be a huge indicator of how effective or successful we may feel in transitioning, or how smooth it might go for our nervous system. And so that's one aspect.

Johanna: So the less demand we can place on ourselves and the little people in our life, the better. So anything we can help smooth out that transition, by making it predictable, by making it as, you know, weak and light as possible, as maybe joyful, or just calm, depending on, you know, is your child maybe more engaged when they are positively challenged, like it's a game, or is it that they just need a really regulated space, or maybe a combination of it, but different kids have different motivators, I guess, too. And same for ourselves, like some of us are maybe, that, you know, the reward of doing certain things, or a certain type of breakfast, something might be, or doing something that's playful, may be engaging enough, and therefore allow us to almost see the reward bigger than the punishment, or the difficulty and challenge of actually transitioning.

Johanna: But usually, having, this is a tip for those of us who struggle with the mornings, like always, like, depending on, usually it's mornings, I guess, for many of us who have those crazy amount of demands, is to try and have as much prepped in the evening before. Having things laid out, like your bags laid out, even if things are visible, and maybe not looking aesthetically pleasing, or the system that you found, you know, means that things are on display. If that's what helps most, and that means that you're less likely to forget things, then do that. And ideally have, like, if you have a partner or someone who can support you in the evening, to maybe set things up. That is one thing that can help that.

Johanna: For me personally, I have gotten into just washing the uniforms well, and often having my kids sleep in this uniform. I know that may be something that others don't necessarily agree with, or find a bit strange, but that's something that tends to help a lot, because that getting into the uniform in the morning somehow seems often a lot harder than trying to do it at night. So that sometimes helps, and yeah, just doing the simplest sequence you can, so that there's the least amount of steps involved for you all in the morning, that makes it most successful.

Johanna: So, and yeah, usually playing music in the background between transitions. There's evidence found that something like that in the background, like maybe regulating music, or something that the family enjoys, may help being that thing that helps with that constant in the background while you move through something that's a change. So those would maybe be some tips to consider. So, anything to, yeah, reduce the demand on our nervous system, or using accommodations like plugs in our ears, you know, to kind of dim the noise, and that just to help us be able to concentrate. And same for the children, for reducing overstimulation. All those can help decision making and our ability to actually follow through with things as well.

Laetitia: That's actually very helpful, and I love all the tips you shared, and really realise, in our own family, the impact of putting very calm, classic music in the background in the morning, being very soothing and very helpful for every one of us. And we know the impact of music on our nervous system, if it's something that you tend to react to. So I know that for us this has been really helpful.

Laetitia: Never thought about the idea of getting dressed and having them sleeping dressed up. For us, it's laying down the outfit the night before, because my daughter attends a Montessori school, so they don't have a uniform, and sometimes I say it's a gift and sometimes I say it's a curse, because we have to choose an outfit, and this can lead to a lot of dysregulation. So when we do it in the evening before, and we lay it out, it's actually much more helpful for them.

Laetitia: And so yeah, so we all have our little tips and tricks, and also lowering some demands. So we really reflect on what is truly essential, what really needs to be done and is a must do, and what are the things that are nice to have, you know, really having kind of a prioritisation aspect to it, like, what is a must have, what is nice to have, and what we won't do this morning, because this is too much demand for that morning. You want to say something to that?

Johanna: Yeah, absolutely, that's right, it's really important to be able to, but again that is an executive skill too, to train yourself to be able to prioritise, or to give yourself the regulation. So regulate first, it's that, connect before you redirect, or connect before, yeah, you put that expectation on yourself to prioritise. So you may need to just take a deep breath and then, like, sequentially move through things, or have it visual. That's the other thing I missed earlier.

Johanna: For some people, well for many, we work better when we have them visually out there, we're able to tick them off, and same with our children. It can become something, sorry, I'm just going to quickly remove it, apologies, you just got a hold of the pen. So visuals are really helpful because they externalise basically our brain, and are able to help our problem solving and sequencing that way. So we don't have to do all that deep thinking and organisation in that moment. And so that's an important one for many people to remember.

Johanna: But again, make it novel and interesting, and it needs to be something that does work for your family. If that's not what works, then don't push that. Like for me, I forget that they exist. I would love to get back into a pattern of using a visual schedule, but I tend to print it all out, have it up there, same with the calendars, and then it's not something I refer back to. So definitely, again, a goal of mine this year, to find something that is both aesthetically pleasing and something that the whole family ends up being able to utilise. So that's definitely something.

Johanna: Sorry, I've got my puppy in the background, he's like the most active right now, out of the whole morning, of course. We hear noisy, so sorry about that.

Johanna: And yes, so otherwise I would also probably recommend that people just be very self-compassionate, because it is one of these things that we can get so hypercritical about ourselves, and we can get rigid, and that's usually when the more anxiety is in our morning, and that energy does probably transfer, or is felt around. And so the more you can regulate yourself, the more you're probably able to help your kids as well.

Laetitia: I love that. And you touched on it quickly, which was the next question, around the deep shame we may feel when we are getting, you know, into this chaotic morning, and rather than taking a step back, we actually get into it so much that anger may arise, screaming may arise, all of those elements. And, or we may forget, you know, I have sent my girls once to school without shoes, and so you have to go back home and grab the shoes. It's like so much things can happen, that then you end up feeling deep shame.

Laetitia: So I love what you invited us around this self-compassion and really deeper understanding. So how do you bring that to oneself? Because I know that some mornings when everything is getting completely off the rails, I end up dropping my daughter and having a little cry in the car, being like, oh my god, that was so hard, and now I need a day off, when actually I need to start my day off working. This was just the first part of the day, and now I need to transition into another state. So what helps you? I know for me, like a little cry, and then going back home and having a little ritual with a coffee, and stepping outside, like just help me walking my puppy. So what do you see, like first of all, am I the only one in that deep frame, and second of all, what can help, in, after those transitions that we feel as adults, and then we need to get into our day of working or going back home and doing all of the housework, you know, whether you're working or not, you have another day waiting for you afterwards.

Johanna: Absolutely. Yeah. And that's the other thing, isn't it, like it often feels like we've already lived, like, nine lives before our work day even started. And there is definitely an element of there being phases where life maybe feels a bit heavier, or where these types of challenges may be big. And our nervous system is our capacity, right? So yes, giving yourself that space to have enough buffer time between would be ideal, or being able to potentially, for those where it is possible, have some sort of support in the mornings, whether it's utilising the before school services or daycare service for those who can use it.

Johanna: For me personally, the transition ends up being smooth, because there are certain friends that my kid has at the before school that he doesn't tend to see in the, when I drop him off at the classroom, or I have to really stick around, and that classroom transition can sometimes be much more challenging than the play one that he has when I drop him off first thing. So I actually strategically do utilise that kind of support, so that I also have maybe a shorter day, or I finish up a bit earlier, but I start a bit earlier as well, and I find that actually it benefits us both.

Johanna: So that's one I utilise, but I know that's not possible for everyone. And so it would be more about finding, whether it's, yeah, during an actual school drop off, if again the classroom transition is pretty stressful, and you walk away, or, you know, you're doing stay at home parenting, and you get even fewer breaks, I suppose, or there's an even more demand on you, as also the teaching role, then it would be finding those pockets of time to really regulate yourself, work with a therapist, a coach, to be able to find little strategies that help you just reset a little bit, or just build more capacity where you can, as well as, like I said, leaning on those supports, whether it's partners, teachers, NDIS supports and things like that, that help both your capacity.

Laetitia: Thank you. Thank you for sharing that, Johanna. And definitely the ability to rely on other people to support you is the most important thing, because as we know, based on the research we've done, lots of parents of neurodivergent children feel completely isolated and misunderstood. So 93% of the respondents in our, you know, thousands of people survey. So we know that this is a real thing. So having people around you who can understand you and support you is definitely a game changer. I know it has been for us. So really inviting anyone who is listening to this, to see who they can find to surround them.

Laetitia: So before I let you go, I just wanted to ask you a quick fire question. We always love to have those ones which are more personal. It's like, what is the one thing that you do every morning, or most mornings, because you know, consistency as neurodivergent folks can be challenging, but, like, thinking, like, that your go to, to really attune back to yourself and regulate, and, you know, kind of find joy in those very hard moments in the morning.

Johanna: Yeah, so, well, I have just got my little puppy here, he actually helps me as much as, right now he's in a playful phase, I have to admit, like the pet therapy is a real thing. I have found myself just, I can't help but, know, just be regulated when I'm patting him and playing with him. That is definitely, and I've noticed even with the kids, it's made a massive difference in them having him, and have some responsibility, but also, like, yeah, being able to cuddle. And that already, that's been a big one.

Johanna: And, like you said, your literal ritual, sorry, if I can choose two, is that coffee in the morning, or just a nice, you know, bit of me time, to just have a little moment of just sitting outside in the sun, have the sun ideally beaming on me, as I just listen to the birds, and just take a moment to just tune into that and appreciate the little moments of just beauty around, and also just moments of maybe somewhat calm, even if it's very, very small. Yeah, and I have found, like, just, you know, also then, if I can get time to go to the gym, is the other one, probably, that isn't as consistent, but I'd like to make more consistent.

Laetitia: Thank you so much for sharing. So for, and puppy love and pet therapy, I truly believe in it as well. Like when we got Cookie, our puppy, about four years ago, it changed everything for us, for myself and for my daughters. And it's just, it's just been like a regulation, being in the house, like always regulated, always grounded, always playful, just a bundle of love. I just love my puppy.

Laetitia: So for anyone who listened to this and like, oh my gosh, I'd love to explore more of Johanna's work, I'd love to, you know, explore how she can support me, how can they connect with you, access your podcast, or learn more about your work?

Johanna: Yeah. So ADHD Her Way is my podcast, and also have done an episode with you that people can listen to. And I also have my website, johannabadenhorst.com, and I have an Instagram and TikTok at johanna_badenhorst as well. And so, yeah, people can email me at hello@johannabadenhorst.com as well, or directly to the podcast at hello@adhdherway.com. So yeah, find me in a number of things I'm usually doing. People can work with me, I'll be kicking off some group programs as well again soon. And yeah, I guess you keep in touch. Or, like, sorry, I was going to say, just delete that, but yeah, I look forward to people connecting with me, because I'm, as I said, really, really inspired by supporting neurodivergent people, and I cover topics not just ADHD, autism, do cover things around parenting, but also just for women more generally. So yeah, I'd love to connect. So thank you again for having me.

Laetitia: Thank you for coming today and joining us with your energetic puppy. It was so lovely to see you. I am sure our listeners will really enjoy your authenticity and all the tips that you shared. Thank you. Thank you.

Johanna: That's so kind. Thank you again.

Laetitia: Welcome to a new pulse from Zoe on The Neurodivergent Pulse podcast. So Zoe, today we're talking about mornings. So what makes some mornings really hard for you?

Zoe: When I didn't have a good night's sleep and I feel very tired.

Laetitia: Thank you for sharing. And what could help your morning be easier? What would make it easier for you?

Zoe: If I've had a good night's sleep, and I wake up knowing what I'm going to do.

Laetitia: Yes. Okay. Having a plan for the day. So if you could design your perfect morning, what would it look like?

Zoe: I would watch TV for a little bit.

Laetitia: Yes.

Zoe: And eat my favourite breakfast meal.

Laetitia: Yes.

Zoe: And have a dip in a pool.

Laetitia: Have a dip in a pool. Okay. What is your favourite morning meal?

Zoe: I would maybe say cereal.

Laetitia: Cereal. Yeah.

Zoe: Which is basically my everyday morning meal.

Laetitia: It is. Thank you so much, Zoe, for today.

Zoe: Bye.

Laetitia: That's a wrap for The Neurodivergent Pulse. If this helped, follow the show and leave us a quick review on your favourite platform. You can even share this episode with someone who needs it. You can learn more about our platform at understandingzoe.com.