PDA Parenting in real life: What actually helps in the moment | Solo Episode

Laetitia: Welcome to The Neurodivergent Pulse where we explore the often misunderstood world of neurodivergence with experts, parents, teachers, and therapists. Grounded in lived experience, each bite-sized episode gives you something practical to try. I am your host Laetitia Andrac, AI expert, neurodivergent mum and founder of Understanding Zoe. This podcast is recorded on Dharawal country. I acknowledge that sovereignty was never ceded. It always was, and always will be Aboriginal land.

Laetitia: Hello, welcome back to The Neurodivergent Pulse podcast, and today I wanna get a bit more personal, and I wanna tell you what I actually do in my own family. Not just the theory, not just the research, the real, messy, imperfect, daily parenting of a PDA child, being myself PDA.

Laetitia: So I want to share some things that has genuinely made a difference for me, which is how I use Pip, which is our AI coach within Understanding Zoe. I know that it sounds like a sales pitch, but it is not. I use it myself every week, sometimes every day, and I wanna show you why, and give you ideas of how you may want to use Pip, who has within their knowledge lots of information about PDA that is curated and backed by lived experience.

Laetitia: So, I mentioned it last time around what a morning could look like, and now I'm gonna share with you what our morning actually look like most of the time. And because I think if you are a PDA parent, you may recognise some of those elements directly.

Laetitia: So some mornings my daughter will wake up, she is regulated, she gets dressed, eats, and we leave the house. And those are the mornings where I'm like, yeah, we cracked it. But we had not, because then the next day it can be completely different. The next day, another morning, she may not want to get out of bed. She just wants to stay in her bed, read her book. She may not want to get dressed, she cannot get dressed. And if she get dressed, maybe something in her outfit feels wrong, or other things are happening, and I'm standing there running late. To PDA or child, to manage my own nervous system, activated, trying to remember that this is not about me.

Laetitia: And this is where, you know, with persistent drive for autonomy and demand avoidance, the hardest part is, like, my own nervous system as well, and the strategy that I'm supposed to use, I just can't do it at that moment, because of all the demand on my own nervous system. So this is where, you know, for me, adding Pip by my side really helps, because then I will ask Pip, this is what's happening. And what are the, the invitations, what are the things that I can do in those moments?

Laetitia: And then I get a bit more detached. And this is where maybe something about play will come up. Maybe there is something about not asking a question, but making it a game, or leading by example. And this is where the genuine autonomy is really there.

Laetitia: And the genuine autonomy is not about, do you want to wear this or that. It can be, you know, going with a pyjama, or barefoot at school if wearing socks and shoes is impossible, or getting dressed is impossible. It's just, you know, how we can just challenge the neuronorms around what needs to be done, and what actually could be a creative way of this happening.

Laetitia: And as I said, play is really something. So it happens quite often in our house that we play a race, like getting dressed is a race. And I play that quite often with my daughters in the morning when they really don't want to get dressed. And then it becomes an adventure, and it becomes fun. And, you know, humour and shared references play really kind of depersonalise demand and make it fun.

Laetitia: And the last one that I kind of said, around getting dressed and not getting dressed, going barefoot and so on, it's really one that I really kind of sometimes struggle with, because neuronorms and neuronormative approach have been quite deep in my own programming. But it's just concerning, concerning the thing, and just deciding that actually getting to that social event, or school thing, may not happen that day, and staying at home is actually what will happen, for everyone's nervous system.

Laetitia: So, you know, those kind of strategies that work for us, and I mentioned, you know, genuine autonomy and play, and, you know, dropping the demand entirely, are working. And as I said, in the moment, talking to Pip is actually those moments where it helped me.

Laetitia: I wanna be really transparent, when I built that tool, it was really for us. And so we use it, and Pip is trained on PDA specific, neuroaffirming strategies. So the reason I use it is because I need it in those moments where I'm completely dysregulated, my daughter is activated, and I cannot think clearly. I cannot remember those kind of different elements that I mentioned to you on the previous episode, on this episode. I just can't think anymore.

Laetitia: And so, I'm gonna give you some actual prompts that I've used, and for that I went back and looked through Pip. So for instance, in the morning crisis, I will ask, my daughter will not get dressed and we need to leave in 15 minutes. She's shutting down, what else can I try? And it's reminding me of play, it's reminding me about dropping the demand altogether. Maybe it's reminding me of something else that in that moment I may not remember.

Laetitia: Then, after, you know, a meltdown, for instance, I could ask, you know, so for the prompt is, my daughter had a 45 minute meltdown after I asked her to come to the dinner table. She's calm now, but I'm shattered, what do I do next? How do I reconnect without creating another demand? And that's, you know, a powerful thing to just ask.

Laetitia: And then it's based on all of the knowledge that it has about your child, based on the curated knowledge that we have, and based on all of the information that everyone from your village may have shared with Pip about your child.

Laetitia: And then I also use it for myself, having my own profile, based, like, I'm exhausted, I feel like I'm failing, cannot remember the support ideas when I'm dysregulating myself. How do I support my daughters when I'm myself overwhelmed? What are some things that I love doing? So again, you know, removing all of this executive functioning, and reminding me.

Laetitia: And then, for Family Conversations, another prompt is, my mother in law keeps telling me I am too soft, she does not believe PDA is real, give me a way to explain this that is calm, factual, and does not turn into an argument. So all of those things can be used also for a teacher, you know, a teacher is dismissing this, a friend is dismissing this, and so on and so forth, can really help you.

Laetitia: And then there is a tracking patterns in the app, through the story tab, where you can ask, my daughter has been refusing to go to her gymnastics class for the last three weeks, she used to love it, what, you know, is this burnout, what should I be looking for? And then looking at the different patterns about sleep, or maybe about food intake, and things like that, that can really help you with that.

Laetitia: So what I love, when I have those conversations with Pip, it's like recovering the knowledge that it has, and it doesn't judge me. And it's coming with ideas in seconds that are, you know, adapted to my daughter's profile, her age, her interests, her patterns, and they are specific, not generic.

Laetitia: So, again, as I always say, it doesn't replace a therapist. Understanding Zoe enhances the therapies that you're getting, because it is really about whatever has been learned through the therapy notes, through any information that has been shared with you, because when it's a 7:45am meltdown, you won't be able to talk to your therapist at that time as well, or when it's a 10:00pm moment where your child, and go to bed, it's just another demand for them, you're just there asking Pip to help you in that moment.

Laetitia: So here is what I want you to hear from this episode. You do not need to get this right every time, you, like nobody does. But this is why I built a platform dedicated to supporting you, and be there when you lose your patience, when you get it wrong, when you need help.

Laetitia: So the goal of this is not perfection, it's really trusting yourself, and having those little moments of play, those little moments of reconnection. And really helping you, in those moments where you lose everything, to have a space where you can feel safe, and trust what's gonna come back, rather than, you know, the crap that is out there on the internet.

Laetitia: So if you have not already, I invite you to go back and listen to episode 28, when I explain what PDA is and the nervous system science behind it. And if you wanna go deeper, you can download our free guide on our website. And if there is anything you'd like to talk about, you can reach out on social. And I hope you enjoyed this episode.

Laetitia: Please follow the podcast, give a review, share it with a friend, who'll maybe be in the thick of discovering about PDA for their own family or for themselves. And if you wanna try Pip for yourself, you can start a free trial, and you can go on our website, understandingzoe.com, to learn how to download it. You can go and find it directly on the App Store and Google Play Store.

Laetitia: Thank you so much, I hope it helped. Thank you. Welcome to another Pulse with Zoe, on The Neurodivergent Pulse podcast. So Zoe, I'm curious, how does it feel for you when there is lots of demands, people are asking you to do lots of different things?

Zoe: It feels very annoying, especially when I wanna do something else. Like I'm a little tired, or I wanna read a book.

Laetitia: And what is helping you, when there is so many demands, to reopen your window? You know how we talk about opening your window? What is helping you open again your window of tolerance?

Zoe: Just reading a book helps, and seeing a therapy dog, or any animals. I really like animals.

Laetitia: Can you give us an example of when you go and see therapy dogs?

Zoe: Well, I don't usually go and see therapy dogs, but I do have a sweet little dog at home called Cookie.

Laetitia: Yes, you like that?

Zoe: Yeah.

Laetitia: Thank you so much, Zoe, for joining this Pulse.

Zoe: Thank you. Bye.

Laetitia: Bye. That's a wrap for The Neurodivergent Pulse. If this helped, follow the show and leave us a quick review on your favourite platform. You can even share this episode with someone who needs it. You can learn more about our platform at understandingzoe.com. Thanks for listening.