I believe you: Trusting yourself as an autism parent

You know something is different. You have known for a while. You have watched, and tracked, and googled at midnight. You have brought it up with the doctor, with your mum, with your partner. And every time, someone finds a way to explain it away. Wait and see. All kids do that. You're probably just tired.

So you start to wonder if you are the problem. You wonder if you are seeing things that aren't there. You wonder if you are making this harder than it needs to be. Trusting your instincts as an autism parent is not arrogance. It is often the most accurate information you have. You are not alone in feeling this way.

In Episode 51 of the Neurodivergent Pulse podcast, host Laetitia Andrac is joined by Jessica Otter, an autistic mum of two near Newcastle. Jess is the founder of Aussie Autism Family and Social Spoons. She shares what the early years of wondering looked like for her family. She talks about how professional dismissal and family doubt nearly drowned out what she knew. She explains what changed when she finally understood herself as well as her son. If you have ever needed someone to just say they believe you, this episode is for you.

Early signs of autism parents often notice first

Noticing something is different in your child is one thing. Being told to wait and see on an autism diagnosis is another. Jess describes that early period as one that could "really just, like, play with your emotions." That is exactly what it did for her family.

Her son started saying a few words at 14 months. By 16 months, those words were gone. His diet narrowed sharply. Meltdowns increased. Jess saw all of it, and she wanted to understand it. As she puts it, "I'm a person that needs to know something and I just don't wanna, like, guess, you know?"

She took him to a doctor at 18 months. The doctor referred her to a paediatrician. The paediatrician said wait six months. Six months later, she came back and said she was still seeing signs. What happened next stayed with her.

What to do when your doctor tells you to wait and see

Being dismissed by a professional is hard. Being blamed by one is something else. Many parents whose autism concerns are dismissed describe the experience as a turning point. Jess is one of them. At that second paediatrician appointment, her son was, in her words, "pretty much like destroying the clinic room" while they spoke.

He was pretty much like destroying the clinic room, like, as we were having this conversation. And the doctor looked at me and goes, "I don't think he's autistic."

Then the paediatrician went further. He told Jess the reason her son wasn't speaking was her fault. "He was flipping it back on me saying, 'You just need to withhold items from him, and then he'll speak to you,'" she says. "Basically insinuating that it's my fault that he wasn't speaking."

Jess didn't go back to that doctor. She got a referral to a clinical psychologist instead. Her son was diagnosed. The instinct she had been carrying for months was right all along.

When family can't see it either

Professional dismissal is painful. Family dismissal can cut differently. These are the people you turn to first. Jess was a younger mum. She was asking everyone around her whether they could see what she was seeing.

They couldn't, or wouldn't. Comments came in about grandma, about an uncle, about relatives who "did that too." Jess wasn't asking for agreement. She was asking for openness. "I just wished that everyone had a bit more of, like, an open-mindedness in those conversations," she says. "I wasn't expecting people to be like, 'Yes, we think he's autistic,' but I was hoping people would just have the conversation more with me."

Underneath all of it, she needed something simple. "I was sleep deprived, I was tired, I was managing meltdowns and managing my own meltdowns, come to find out, and I just needed that validation that things are a bit different, and he might need some support. And that validation would've changed everything for me early on."

That need for someone to simply acknowledge things are different runs through many families' stories. Understanding Zoe's research on neurodivergent families found that 93% of parents of neurodivergent children feel their experience is misunderstood or invisible. Over half said the people around them could not see or understand what their daily life involved.

If you are carrying your observations alone right now, Understanding Zoe is built for exactly that. It helps you turn what you are noticing, across reports, appointments and hard days, into something clear and actionable. You do not have to hold it all in your head.

Am I autistic too? When parents recognise themselves in their child

Many parents start to wonder about themselves while they are supporting their child. Parenting an autistic child as an autistic parent is more common than most people realise. More than three in five parents raising neurodivergent children also identify as neurodivergent themselves. For many mums, the recognition comes slowly. It comes through research, through burnout, and through finally seeing their own childhood in a new light. There is a lot written about why so many autistic women are identified late, and Jess's story fits that pattern. For her, that wondering lasted two years.

What finally moved her toward assessment was a burnout she didn't yet have words for. Doctors named it depression and anxiety. They pointed to her son's sleep difficulties and her exhaustion. Jess knew something more was going on. She also felt like a fraud for thinking so. She describes the pull toward self-diagnosis, and then the pull back toward needing a professional to confirm it. "If you are going into that deep research of it," she says, "I believe that you are neurodivergent." The research rabbit hole itself is often meaningful information.

When she did seek assessment, her assessor made a real difference. "My assessor was amazing," Jess says. At every session, the assessor addressed her imposter syndrome directly and validated what Jess was bringing. Being assessed by someone affirming changed what the process felt like. Jess was diagnosed as autistic in 2024.

What is low-demand parenting and how does it help autistic kids?

Low-demand parenting means reducing unnecessary pressure so your child's nervous system has room to regulate. For Jess, discovering this approach after her own diagnosis released pressure she hadn't fully realised she was carrying. When that pressure lifted, her whole family grew. "I think when I was diagnosed, it almost just, like, released so much pressure," she says. "And honestly, I've seen the biggest progress and growth in all members of our family when we kind of released that pressure."

That pressure is real and measurable. Understanding Zoe's research found that parents of neurodivergent children spend around 10.5 hours every week on emotional regulation, advocacy, and administration alone. That sits on top of roughly 30 hours of caregiving overall. That is the invisible weight families carry before they even begin to think about parenting differently.

Her diagnosis gave her permission to look at parenting differently. "This isn't just me parenting him," she realised. "It's like we're all experiencing our own things here. So how do we make it a good experience for everyone or a supportive experience for everyone?" This is something we explore with neurodivergent parents whose own needs belong in the family too.

I've seen the most progress in him specifically when I just pulled back a little bit and lowered the demands, and yeah, across the board we're all a lot happier since doing that.

Jess describes herself as a black and white thinker and a rule follower. She needed someone to tell her it was okay to bend the rules. This is the territory of our piece on why mindset matters more than method when raising a neurodivergent child. Here are some of the ways she bent the rules:

• Letting her son sleep in her bed when that was what he needed

• Installing a swing in the lounge room for sensory support

• Dropping the rule about having a vegetable on the plate at every meal

• Honouring safe foods rather than pushing variety

• Letting go of the idea that family life has to look a certain way to be good

None of these things are failures. They are a family figuring out what actually works for the people living in it.

Building work around your energy

Neurodivergent families often need work that bends to their reality, not the other way around. After her diagnosis, Jess left her part-time job. She built Social Spoons, a social media management business designed around her family's energy and her own special interest.

Social Spoons runs on a simple agreement with clients. Jess puts her energy on the table at the start. She asks the same of her clients in return.

I will cater to your spoons or your energy levels, and I ask for that in return because I too may need a bit of leniency there.

Most clients are accepting of that. The flexibility goes both ways.

Working in a special interest also helps. Jess describes social media as something that lifts her rather than drains her, even on hard days. It is not a perfect setup, she says. But it is flexible enough to stop when her son needs to be picked up from school. That matters more than perfect.

How to find your autism parenting community (and why it changes everything)

Trusting your instincts as an autism parent is easier when you are not doing it alone. Parents of neurodivergent children often turn to peer communities for support. More than nine in ten use at least one tool, resource, or community to help manage daily care. Most say they have learned more from other parents than from professionals. We have written about why community support for autism parents is not optional, and Jess's message echoes that conversation. If you are at the beginning of this road, her message is not a strategy or a checklist. It is something simpler than that.

I just wanna say I believe you. I believe that you are experiencing things that you can't explain and are, you know, not typical.

From there, she has three things she would tell any parent or person wondering about themselves or their child:

• Trust what you are noticing. If you are deep in the research, that is meaningful information in itself. You are not making it up.

• Find your community. "Connect with the autism community," Jess says. "That's, like, the number one thing that I advise any family, any person that's going through this." Online community counts. It is often easier to access, and it can be life-changing. If you are wondering where to start, our guide on how to build your neurodivergent village offers practical steps.

• Take it one step at a time. "Take it one step at a time. There's no rush. There's no race to get all the early interventions." One thing at a time is enough.

You can follow Jess and find her community at Aussie Autism Family on Instagram and Social Spoons on Instagram.

Conclusion

You can trust what you are noticing. You do not need everyone to agree before you take yourself seriously. Once you understand your family, you get to decide what family life actually looks like.

If you want support making sense of what you are seeing, try Understanding Zoe free for 7 days. It is built to help you turn observations, reports and hard days into something you can actually use. And listen to the full episode to hear Jess's story in her own words.

Frequently asked questions

How early can doctors detect autism?

Developmental differences can be noticed from as early as 12 to 18 months. A formal autism assessment can happen before age two in some cases. In practice, many parents are told to wait and see. Sometimes that waiting stretches on for months or years. If you are noticing signs and your doctor is not acting on them, ask for a referral to a paediatrician or clinical psychologist. Trusting your instincts as an autism parent is not overreacting. It is often the earliest and most accurate information available.

What are the early signs of autism in young children?

Early signs parents often notice include speech regression, where words appear and then disappear. Other signs include a narrowing diet, increased meltdowns, limited eye contact, and repetitive play. These are the signs Jess noticed in her son from around 16 months. If your doctor dismisses your autism concerns, you can ask for a second opinion or a direct referral to a specialist. You do not need to wait until the signs are impossible to ignore.

What does autism assessment look like for adults?

Adult autism assessment usually involves a detailed interview about your developmental history and your current experiences. A good assessor will ask about childhood as well as adult life. For many autistic mums, the process surfaces years of burnout and self-doubt that were previously labelled as depression or anxiety. Finding an assessor who is affirming and experienced with late-identified adults makes a real difference to how the process feels. For a deeper look, read about what late-identified AuDHD motherhood can look like.

What is low-demand parenting?

Low-demand parenting means reducing unnecessary expectations and pressure so your child's nervous system has room to regulate. For autistic children, high demands can trigger overwhelm and meltdowns. Lowering demands does not mean lowering your standards as a parent. It means choosing connection and safety over compliance. Jess found that low-demand parenting produced more growth in her autistic child than any structured approach had. It also made life calmer for her whole family. For more on how nervous system regulation works in practice, see our co-regulation guide for parents.

Connect with Jessica Otter

• Aussie Autism Family on Instagram

• Social Spoons on Instagram

• Try Understanding Zoe free for 7 days