Neuroaffirming music therapy and how it helps with connection and regulation

She hadn't played piano before. She'd done plenty of therapy, though, and she knew all the tools. She could name what was happening in her nervous system. She could explain, logically, what she needed. But knowing and feeling are different things, and the grounding she was looking for kept slipping away.

Then she sat down at a piano, improvised alongside her music therapist for fifteen minutes, and said something that has stayed with Brianna ever since: that is the quietest my mind has been in a long time. No technique. No homework. Just music, and someone who met her exactly where she was.

In Episode 45 of the Neurodivergent Pulse podcast, host Laetitia Andrac is joined by Brianna Dahlstrom, Registered Music Therapist, musician, and neurodivergent person with lived experience of mental ill-health. Together they explore what music therapy actually is and what makes it genuinely neuroaffirming. Brianna works with children, adolescents and adults at Shared Space Therapy, and she brings both professional expertise and personal insight to the conversation.

What's the difference between music therapy and music lessons?

Music therapy has nothing to do with becoming a better musician. That's the most important thing to understand, and also the most commonly misunderstood. Music is the entry point, not the destination.

"The way I think about music therapy is that music is kind of the seed, the theme, the topic that starts the therapeutic relationship off," Brianna explains. "It's using the kind of strong connection to music that most people have, and exploring that in a therapeutic way." A conversation about a favourite song can open into the themes in its lyrics, the history of how someone found it, what it means to them now. The music is a way in, not the goal.

What that means practically is that nobody is going to give your child feedback on their playing. Nobody is going to say they could have done it better, or ask them to practise before next time. As Brianna puts it:

It's not about being good, it's about the experience.

You don't need to play an instrument. You don't need to be "musical" in any conventional sense. Curiosity and interest are enough. The goal is connection, exploration, and being present in the music, not proficiency. For a look at how child-led music learning for neurodivergent children differs from traditional lessons, we explore that in depth elsewhere.

What does neuroaffirming music therapy actually look like?

Neuroaffirming music therapy means maximising the person, not normalising them. That's Brianna's framing, and it's worth holding onto when you're evaluating any practitioner, not just music therapists. This need is well documented: in our research on neurodivergent families, 34% of parents of neurodivergent children listed better access to affirming therapy as one of their top priorities for the future, which tells you something important about how rarely families feel they've found it.

It really is about taking that strength-based and resource-oriented approach, and working on maximising someone rather than normalising.

In practice, Brianna describes neuroaffirming care as truly seeing the person in front of you, not just their diagnosis or their presenting challenges. It means validating "physical movements and communication styles" rather than trying to redirect or correct them. It means learning about someone's special interests because that's where their energy and identity live. And it means never orienting the work around what someone can't do.

"For me, I never want to focus on what someone can't do," she says. "You need to keep in mind someone's challenges and how you can work with them and build supports. But it's about what they can do and how can we build upon that."

When you're looking for a music therapist, here are the markers Brianna points to as signs of genuinely affirming practice:

• They talk about strengths and what someone can do, not deficits and what needs fixing.

• They validate stimming, alternative communication styles, and movement differences rather than trying to change them.

• They adapt the sensory environment: lighting, volume, the physical items in the room, seating arrangements, and eye contact expectations.

• They meet the person where they are on the day, without pushing them toward a predetermined outcome.

• They take time to genuinely learn about someone's interests and what matters to them.

• They don't frame the work as making someone more "normal" or socially acceptable.

That instinct to look for strength-based language is backed by data. According to Understanding Zoe's latest findings, 62% of parents of neurodivergent children say affirming, respectful language is very important to them, with a further 26% saying it is quite important. The words a practitioner uses are one of the clearest signals of whether their practice is genuinely affirming or just labelled that way.

Knowing what to look for matters, especially when the word "neuroaffirming" appears on so many websites without much substance behind it. Psychologist Adelle Sushames breaks down what genuinely neuroaffirming practice looks like beyond the label, with clarity and honesty. If you're navigating multiple therapies, reports and recommendations for your child, Understanding Zoe can help you turn what you're learning into practical next steps, so you're not holding all that information alone.

Can music therapy help with nervous system regulation?

Yes, and for many neurodivergent people it's one of the most meaningful things it offers. But before any therapeutic goal, before any outcome, there has to be safety. This is not a soft preference in Brianna's practice; it's the foundation everything else is built on.

"It's a lot harder to meet goals if you're not understanding someone and seeing them as a person rather than, um, some kind of symptoms," she says. The sensory environment, the pace of the relationship, the absence of pressure to perform or comply: all of it is in service of creating a space where someone can actually show up as themselves.

This matters especially for neurodivergent people who have learned to mask. Brianna names the cost of that honestly: "You might be able to mask and kind of live in a way where you're trying to be someone that, you know, your brain just isn't wired that way, and that's okay, but it's gonna be exhausting." Approaches that require masking to succeed might produce short-term compliance, but they won't produce lasting wellbeing.

Safety creates the conditions where real nervous system regulation becomes possible. When families were asked what they want most for their children's futures, 46% said their greatest priority is simply for their child to feel safe and accepted as they are. That's where genuine growth can follow. For more on how co-regulation actually works and why safety must come first, our guide explores this in practical detail.

When talk therapy isn't the right fit

Music therapy can be a more accessible entry point into therapeutic support for people who find talk-based approaches hard to access. That's not a criticism of talk therapy; it's a recognition that different people need different pathways. This is true for autistic children, for children with ADHD, and for anyone whose nervous system finds a verbal, seated, face-to-face format more draining than helpful. Research shows that 64% of parents of neurodivergent children often feel exhausted and 64% feel overwhelmed, compared with 42% and 32% of parents of neurotypical children. A therapy that leaves the whole family feeling nourished rather than depleted isn't a luxury; for many, it's what makes continued engagement possible.

"Talk therapy isn't for everyone," Brianna says simply. "I think music therapy is also a really kind of approachable therapy. It can be very low intensity." Coming into a music therapy space might feel less confronting than sitting across from someone and being asked to put difficult things into words.

Laetitia offered the word "nourishing" during their conversation, and Brianna received it warmly. That's the quality that sets music therapy apart for many people: you can leave a session feeling supported rather than depleted. The music carries some of the weight. And because it taps into something genuinely enjoyable, there's room for something that's often squeezed out of therapeutic spaces entirely.

"There is so much room for playfulness," Brianna says. "And that's a really beautiful thing that we can tap into." Playfulness is not a distraction from the real work. In a genuinely affirming space, it is the real work. This theme of music as a vehicle for regulation and connection also runs through our conversation with music educator Tiziana Pozzo, who explores how child-led music learning unlocks something traditional lessons often miss.

The quietest her mind had been in a long time

The gap between knowing a strategy and actually feeling it in your body is one of the most frustrating experiences in mental health support. Brianna's story of a young person she worked with captures exactly what music therapy can do that cognitive tools alone cannot.

The young person had been through a lot of different therapies. She had a toolkit. She understood, intellectually, what was happening when she felt anxious and what she could do about it. But she couldn't connect to her nervous system. The grounding wasn't landing.

In their session, she brought in a song she'd been listening to. They talked about the lyrics, which grew into a conversation about important relationships in her life. Then Brianna suggested they play it. The young person had an interest in piano but had never played. That didn't matter. She started pressing keys; Brianna picked up her guitar. They improvised together for fifteen minutes.

She just played the piano, and when we finished, she said to me, "Wow, that, that is the quietest my mind has been in a long time." And yeah, that really stuck with me.

No technique required. No prior skill. Just two people making sound together, and something shifting that words hadn't been able to reach. As Brianna reflected afterward: "Music has been a huge part of human nature since forever. Sound is something that we connect with, and this is even just vibration-wise. When we're in the womb, it's something that's always there."

Is music therapy right for my neurodivergent child?

Affirming therapy meets your child, or you, where you are. It builds on strengths. It honours connection before outcomes. And it can feel nourishing rather than draining, even when the work is real and the emotions are big. Music therapy for neurodivergent children is one example of what that can look like, and for many families, it's the pathway that finally feels possible. If you're thinking more broadly about building authentic connections with neurodivergent young people, psychologist Isobel Ziatas offers a practical framework grounded in curiosity and consistency.

If you're wondering whether music therapy might be worth exploring, Brianna's answer is gentle and clear: curiosity and interest are enough to start. You don't need to be musical. You just need to be open to the experience. If you're evaluating a practitioner, listen carefully to how they talk about the people they work with. Do they lead with strengths or with deficits? Do they adapt to the person, or expect the person to adapt to them? The answers will tell you a great deal.

If you're also exploring music therapy for autism specifically, the same principles apply: look for a practitioner who leads with what your child can do, not what needs correcting.

If you want support turning what you're learning about your child into practical next steps, the Understanding Zoe free 7-day trial is a good place to start. It's built to help families make sense of reports, observations and everyday moments, and to feel less alone in the process.

Meeting Brianna: music first, therapy second

Brianna's understanding of what music can hold for a person comes from her own life, not just her training. Looking back on her teenage years, she can see clearly how central music was to who she was becoming.

"It was this huge part of my identity," she reflects. "It's where I connected to people. It's where I found confidence in myself." Music was how she found her people, how she explored who she was, and how she supported her own mental health before she had language for any of that.

That lived experience shapes everything about how she practises now at Shared Space Therapy. When Brianna talks about music as a protective factor, or describes what it feels like to be truly met in a therapeutic space, she's drawing on something she knows personally, not just professionally. It's the foundation of her participant-led, strengths-based approach.

Frequently asked questions

What is the difference between music therapy and music lessons?

Music therapy is not about learning to play an instrument or improving musical skill. The music is a starting point for therapeutic exploration, not the goal. A music therapist uses a person's connection to music to open conversations, support emotional regulation, and build on strengths. Nobody will give your child feedback on their playing or ask them to practise at home. Curiosity and interest are the only requirements.

How does music therapy help autistic children?

Music therapy for autism works by creating a low-demand, sensory-aware space where connection and safety come before any therapeutic goal. Rather than targeting deficits, a neuroaffirming music therapist builds on what a child can do: their interests, their communication style, their relationship to sound. Music also offers a non-verbal pathway to nervous system regulation, which means children who struggle to access talk-based approaches can still experience genuine therapeutic support.

Is music therapy right for my child with autism or ADHD?

If your child has any interest or curiosity about music, that is enough to start. Music therapy for neurodivergent children, including those with autism or ADHD, is designed to meet them exactly where they are. There is no required skill level and no pressure to perform. As Brianna Dahlstrom explains, the approach is participant-led and strengths-based, which means it adapts to your child rather than expecting your child to adapt to it.

Can music therapy help with nervous system regulation?

Yes. Nervous system regulation is one of the most meaningful outcomes music therapy can support, particularly for neurodivergent people who find it difficult to access grounding through cognitive strategies alone. Sound and vibration connect to the body in ways that words sometimes cannot reach. Brianna describes this as music tapping into something fundamentally human: a capacity for connection through sound that exists before language and long before any therapeutic technique. For more on felt safety and what it means for neurodivergent nervous systems, occupational therapist Stephanie Robertson explores this in depth.

TL;DR

Music therapy for neurodivergent children is not a music lesson, and you don't need to be musical to benefit from it. Brianna Dahlstrom, a Registered Music Therapist and neurodivergent practitioner, explains that genuinely neuroaffirming care means "maximising someone rather than normalising" them: building on strengths, validating communication and movement differences, and adapting the sensory environment before pursuing any therapeutic goal. For autistic children, children with ADHD, or anyone who finds talk therapy hard to access, music offers a more approachable, nourishing pathway to nervous system regulation and self-connection. If you're evaluating a therapist, listen for whether they talk about what someone can do, not what they can't.

Connect with Brianna

• Website: sharedspacetherapy.com.au

• Instagram: @eating_and_feeding